I FUCKING LOVE MUSIC SO GOD DAMN MUCH

Published 7/24/24

because my first entry in here is kind of sad and i updated my thing of a month i wanted to write something else!! so yesss i fucking love music so god damn much its so crazy. if i wasnt crazy i would wear super noise canceling headphones and only listen to music all of the time. especially now that i havent been doing anything this whole summer i have just been listening to so much music its so awesome

its such a beautiful form of expression and story telling i truly aspire for my art to have as much emotion as just one song. whenever i listen to music i want to start throwing myself against a wall and crying and eating my arm. all of this is multiplied by like a million whenever im seeing a live performance its not funny. i am a little addicted to the crashing of drums. i love it when my ears are ringing after a show. i will lose my hearing in probably two years but we dont have to talk about that right now

ive been wanting to learn how to make music recently but i am lazy and insecure and thats really it. hopefully ill get on that at one point. maybe in like a year ill look back at this entry and laugh because ill have my music all over this site or ill be sad because i never picked it up. hopefully its the former but who knows.

TRANSSEXUALITY AND SIMPLE SHIT PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW

Published 6/23/24

with life hitting me like a fucking bulldozer recently, i have been relecting on my experience as a transsexual and how the people around me interact with my transness. ive had a lot of ups and downs throughout my transition, and right now i would say im in some weird stalemate in the complete middle of the progression bar ive completely made up in my head. i am trying so hard to move, but i am glued to the ground. so i reflect!

a lot of what my trans experience entails is trying to please others. this is most definitely an extension from my deep rooted need to make other people like me, but thats not what were talking about right now. up until i was able to go to college, almost all aspects of my transness were locked online. i only came out to a few people when i was a kid, which they were generally nice about it but a lot more people than i wanted found out. i did not (and still dont) have any support from my family either, so i was stuck from the start.

its tough feeling isolated. i wish more people could even think about being empathetic for a second and realize how alone some are. its so hard living a life you didnt even want in the first place and having what feels like the entire world beating down on you because you wanted to wear boys clothes when you were little doesnt help at all. im lucky to have a support net now. it is so beautiful to be surrounded by people who understand you. it feels like a light at the end of the tunnel i never thought i would see. but i still find myself stuck. why must i wait for your approval? why must my life be in the control of others?

i struggle to break out of this negative mindset, partially because of my environment, but even then it will probably take me years to fully feel free. i feel every single trans person, including myself, needs to realize that our transness is on ourselves. do not let other people be in control of you. no one else can dictate you and your life and your transexuality. no matter how many people stop you in your path or how many useless attemps at pleasing cis people we do, transexual liberation is soley on the individual transsexual. find your light. do not hold back.